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Have been sitting at home procrastinating for the past four hours. I know exactly what I should be doing, and that it probably wouldn't even take much time, but the fact is, I'm scared.

Found out on the morning after my birthday party that my dad has stage 4 liver cancer.

So far, I've been telling people with a sort of cheerful, 'Don't let this get you down', but it's entirely because I just don't want to turn into a sobbing wreck (like I am right now). As my brother, the Doctor, has informed me several times, this is the best health that my dad will ever be in... it's all downhill from here. And I've repeated this to people sort of casually, as though I don't understand what that entails. I kind of hoped that I could save up all the grieving and being upset until later, when things get really bad. But I guess emotions don't work that way.

So. I don't know how to deal with this. A lot of kind, close friends have offered up their help and a sympathetic ear, but the fact is, I'm not good at accepting help (not knowing what other people could do), nor do I know what to do with it without feeling a bit ashamed. So thank you, internet, for being the way that I can share how I'm feeling without the embarrassing SHOWING people how I'm feeling.

Comments

( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
tragicllyhip
May. 12th, 2011 11:48 pm (UTC)
I know i don't actually know you, but i've followed your entries for a few years (initially because if a post about Tom Welling and coffee) but i just wanted to say, that i first came here when my mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer, as a way to have an outlet, to get all the crazy emotions and fear and anger out of my head.

She died 3 months after her diagnosis, and I took care of her myself, alone, so she wouldn't have to stay in a hospital. It was both the hardest and most rewarding time of my life and I can't regret who;ve i've become because of that experience.

All i can say is, and I know nothing is going to make it better, but try and relish as much of this time with your family and father as you can. All of it will be surreal and painful, but as cliche as it is, life goes on, and you'll smile again, you'll be a different person, but things do get better, and you find your way again.

Forgive me if i'm over-stepping, but i just had to say something:)

-Melanie
black_siren
May. 16th, 2011 07:14 am (UTC)
No, I don't think you're over-stepping. I think that death is one of those things that people can't help but bond over, no matter what the circumstances. Thank you very much for your comment. You sound like a fanastically kind and caring person. And I'm sorry that I don't work at Tom Welling's Starbucks any more. =)
toomuchplor
May. 13th, 2011 04:59 am (UTC)
*hugs* I never know what I can do either but the second you need something let me know and I'll be there. You know I love you tons and tons.
black_siren
May. 16th, 2011 07:16 am (UTC)
*hug* Thank you so much. I love you too and would actually ask you for help if I needed some. (You're one of like, two or three people!)
iykwim
May. 14th, 2011 01:37 am (UTC)
Jen I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending my love across the country via the internets! *HUGS*
black_siren
May. 16th, 2011 07:17 am (UTC)
*HUG* Thank you, Jen. I miss you. Hope you're not staying on that other coast forever....
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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